This is something I never thought I'd say, but we've been kicked out of our Foster-Adoption agency. They put it a little more diplomatically, but bottom line = Foster-Adopt Fail!
It is a long, convoluted, and twisted story. Short version is that we were matched with two little boys, ages two and four, a little before Christmas. We spent about six days off and on with them, and they were so sweet, but in the end, in our hearts, we just didn't feel it was a right match for us. Per our understanding and training with the agency, we thought we should feel something to make this life-long commitment, but the feeling wasn't there and being that unsure, it wasn't something we could say yes to. This is forever and we are not going to gamble on that.
There are a lot more factors involved that were out of our control, but it's not important to bring those in. Because of our uncertainty and the fact that we kept meeting them each time, the agency feels that we would be better off as just foster parents. Apparently, if we were unsure at ALL, we should not have agreed to keep meeting with the boys past the initial phase. This was sure news to us, because one, it's not what we learned in our nine-week training program, and how are we supposed to be sure after just one meeting?
I could go on and on and on about the injustices we felt happened, and how it's unfair, but what does it matter? They made their decision and that was that we will not be foster-adopt parents with their agency. We don't have interest in being just foster parents; if we did, we would have signed up for that to begin with.
We are devastated, heartbroken, pissed off, confused, and lost. We have spent the last two years with them and now, it's over. Just like that. Two years of paperwork, trainings, and so much waiting. I have shed SO many tears over this, and we aren't sure what our next step is. It's pretty obvious that foster-adopt is not the right path for us. So, given my age, our only realistic two choices are private adoption or live a childless life.
I don't understand why it's so hard for us to have a child. We are good people, we have so much love in our hearts, and it's something we both want so much. I'm just really starting to question whether a child is meant to be, because through our struggles with infertility, now this, it doesn't seem like it. But, we are not ready to totally throw in the towel, so we will let the dust settle and give our hearts time to heal, then decide what to do.
As most of you know, J and I have a very strong and special relationship. I will say that this heartache has brought us even closer together and my love and respect has grown for him more than I thought possible. While I may not have a child, I have a husband, who after our god awful meeting with the agency hugged me so close on the corner of a busy street while I cried my eyes out, and who kisses away my tears when I wake up crying in the middle of the night. A husband who always tells me we'll work it out and who is ALWAYS there for me.
We want to thank all of our family and friends for their support during our journey. We are so lucky to have an abundance of love surrounding us. For the first time in a very long time, we have no plan to extend our family and that is a scary place to be. As much as we want a child, it's hard living in constant limbo, wondering if you are ever going to get one. So, whatever our next step is, it's going to be the final one. Because with or without a child, we need to throw away this limbo pole and move forward.
And perhaps, most importantly, we need to trust that...